Forgiveness

Sometimes i try and block out my past.  I try and block out the bad days, and all the things that i never accomplished   I have found that this pattern always leaves me running away.  I run towards everything negative and almost always keep myself busy throughout the day until i go to bed.  Leaving me with not even a minute to myself.  Those moments of self reflection are what i fear most.  But i promised myself with this blog i would embrace negativity.

I did a 9 day cleans and lost 15 pounds.  Right after the cleanse (probably the healthiest 9 days in a very long time) I did a some very dangerous things.  I snorted tons of cocaine, i threw a party on shabbas (not just any Shabbat, Shabbat Purim!) I gave Ariel a a hand job (Have not touched him in almost 2 years) and ate extremely unhealthy and toxic food.  So what happened?  How could i have unraveled so quickly and with such strength?

I have so much unfinished business, that's the truth.  Beyond that, I am sad.  I have been unable to talk to many of my friends recently.  Not my new Legal friends, but my old and most cherished friends.  I am ashamed.  Ashamed of my life.  Saddened by the fact that I had so much and I feel as though I have lost it all.  How did everyone grow up so quickly.  I could define growing up on may terms.  for instance the majority of my friends are married, and many with children.  I not only have not taken that leap, but i in return have never even dated anyone.  I have never allowed anyone into my heart (other then Ariel who never reciprocated the invite) Moving on I have a serving job at a local restaurant.  Yes I do very well and have made a name for myself there, but I never received my high school degree, I never graduated college.  I never moved on to a high paying professional job. And lastly my weight.  Something that I been battling my entire life.  I have yet to get it in order.  But my friends don't struggle with it like I do.  I could view drugs and cigarettes as an addiction, but its not my real drug of choice - food is.

With all of these challenges and fears time seems to continue despite my red light.  This shame has consumed me and numbed me from head to toe.  I know there are moments where change swoops in and shows me a path I can take to pull me out, but these moments are either short lived, or only expressed through dreams and small talk.

Then comes the anger.  The anger that I was not properly guided.  My parents and family did not know how to raise me, and then I feel at this point if I cannot raise my self how on earth can i ever be responsible to another human beings life, without emulating my parents mistakes.

I am filled with fear that I am trying to infuse with love, but its not working.  Part of me wants to run away, the other part of me feels running is not the answer - so what is?

What are the things that I so badly want to change?

1. I feel that I am in way over my head financially.  Number have never been my strong point, and putting me in charge of house expenses, and personal finance was never a bright idea.  But i was too ashamed to speak up
2. Cleanliness -I need to consistently keep my room clean.  Not just when I have a party, or when someone is coming over.  Everyday - for me
3. Slowing down.  Instead of having time with myself I rush to escape at every available moment.  Whether its waking up and going to eat breakfast, or going upstairs to see Ariel, Coming home from work and going upstairs to see Ariel, or Constantly escaping on the internet to websites and Facebook   I do not take the time to do the things I love and set proper goals for myself.

I guess from writing this small list, I am ashamed that I do not care about myself.  I care about myself in terms of other people.  I know how to revolve my life around other people and their happiness, but not my own,  This is not a selflessness to be proud of.  This is an escape mechanism.

I often wonder how I turned out normal.  What I did to survive my childhood.  I became goal-less.  I died on some level.  I continued to exist but my life had no meaning or importance.  I didn't care about my future, my happiness.  I became a leach. A parasite, that can only survive by holding onto something else.  And now as the years go by, I have less and less people to hang onto.  But I want my life.  I want to know the life I was supposed to live.  I don't feel this is it.  But I lack the motivation to accomplish the things I think I was set out to do.  I fear rejection, I fear building something and then losing it.  In my lifetime I have seen myself possible being a
1. Party Planner
2. Rabbi
3. Inspiration speaker
4. Herbologist of natural medicine
5. Jewish Oprah

all the other jobs I have held have just been for money.  The above profession's are positions I know I would excel at. Now lets break down why I am not doing the above

1. Lack of schooling, not knowing where to start. Something I would enjoy and be amazing at, but would not satiate my underlying desire to do something in Judaism
2. I am not a man, I would need to go back to school for a long time.  I would be a single woman.  I would need to be part of a community that is reformed or conservative
3. Although many find me inspiring, my journey does not have a happy ending yet.  This might be my final chapter but not the intro.
5. Money, schooling.  I am not 100% healthy and would be ashamed to teach about something I cannot keep.  Fear of making a living.  Would want to combine this with another item on this list above to set me apart and strengthen a position.
6. How on earth do I get here???

I often wondered why the movie Titanic interested me so much.  Over the years I have come up with many theories.  But recently I have decided that the main character Rose had no ambition.  She had no drive and felt that her life was moving forward but she remained in the same spot.  That's somewhat how I feel. But I just want to live the life I was supposed to live.  I want to know what my challenge was out on this earth and fight it out.  I want to live my life.  I am almost 30 and I feel I have remained the same person since I was 21.

So this post was supposed to be forgiveness 

I forgive myself for my shortcomings
I forgive myself for any method I used to survive
I forgive myself for not being the best at everything I set out to do
I forgive myself for my failures, for all the things I was unable to accomplish
I forgive myself for the way I treat myself
I forgive myself for being a bad friend to myself
I forgive myself for hurting myself
I forgive myself for running away
I forgive myself for going astray

I love myself for trying
i love myself for fighting
i love myself for never giving up
i love myself for accepting me as I am
I love myself for wanting to be better
I love myself for the challenges I was given
I love myself for the strengths I was given
I love myself for wanting to be me
I Love myself for believing in myself
I love myself for waking up
I love myself for knowing I will turn out the way I was supposed to

הוא היה אומר: אם אין אני לי, מי לי

Hillel says, "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?" Ethics of the Fathers, 1:14

Hillel is widely recognized as one of the wisest people who ever lived. This Mishna is arguably his most famous aphorism. The first clause of the aphorism roughly translates: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me?"¹

The phrase distinguishes between two selves - "I" (ani in Hebrew) and "me" (li). It implies that somehow we can have a self called "I" and a self-called "me."

The "I" self is the deepest self. It is our personalized facet of the Divine image. By contrast, the "me" is the persona we develop during life. Elements of the "me" originate from others, from society - from that which is outside "I."

I just read this on Aish.com.  I am very moved by what was written.  There are two parts to ourselved and "Ani" and the "Li"  If i embrace the "Ani" the spark and essence of who I am, I will be able to change the "Li" the person created by my environment and circumstance   I am able to overcome that that person.   There are also two major names for G-d, "Elokim" and "Hashem" known as Yud-Hey-Vuv-Hey.  One represents judgment  while the other represents mercy.  We say these two names every day during the daily Shema.  

Right now I need to be merciful and forgive myself, but also trick with judgment to keep myself in check and make sure I do not fall.  I cannot only look out for myself, but at the same time I need to put me first.  Its a balance that I need to learn and I will make it 

All we needs is Love

Love VS Fear 

In Judaism there are two fundamental ways to relate to G-d, one is through"love" while the other is "fear".

 I have thought about this concept for a while, and have come to the conclusion that these two emotions drive all of our feelings.  Most anger is a result of some fear; fear of loss, fear of consequences, fear of inadequacies. These fears i believe, can only be healed with love.  Love and belief that those fears will not fears will never actualize. So in short I am putting this theory to the test. I have been going through a difficult time in my life and wonder if a love and fearless based outlook will help get me on my feet.  Between my grandmother in the hospital with Ovarian cancer, my brother dealing with daily nervous breakdowns, my step mom battling brain cancer and  my daily challenges a fearless outlook is my only hope.

I thought Valentines Day would be a good day to start.  Now I am not Christian and really do not have any feelings on Saint Valentine.  However, the one thing that Hallmark got right is everyone needs love. Everyone (Especially Women) want to feel appreciated.  Now I do not have a significant other, nor have I ever, but this Valentines Day I would like to be my Valentine.  I am giving myself a few gifts 

1. This Blog (Where I can release all of my negativity and fear)

2. A 21 Day Detox (To rid me of toxins)

3. Hope - Hope that each of us has the power to help ourselves.  We often look for others to carry us in hard times, but what if we could do it on our own.  And what is that is what stops negative trends from re-ac curing.